And a videoconference...
Or more like a videotape + phone conference...
My questions that I would have loved to have had answered were:
1) The last few years have shown a trend toward letting go of diversified holdings by major corporations since they're not particularly profitable, and companies do much better when they're specialized. Why do you think diversification is a good strategy to pursue?
2) There's been a major change in the political climate, especially in regard to entrance requirements, and civil liberties. You mentioned that one organization is lobbying for looser admission standards. Are you assisting them? And what are your legislative lobbying efforts like on a global scale?
3) I've heard that Six Sigma is being implemented here. What have the cost reductions been? Who is a green belt? Who is a black belt? Has it been a successful program so far? What are the implications of suggestions that have been made?
No one asked them to the CEO **sigh**
What the bloody fuck is up with me?
Again, I'm depressed. Two days in a row... It's probably been three or four months since I've spent this much time down without much of a laugh or a smile or anything to punctuate the gloom. Hell, when I was held up at gunpoint, the next day I was smiling, after spending a wonderful evening with Paul, and laughing, and just generally more me. I had a few downs but they weren't really low, in fact they were more generic bouts of hormones. This is different tho'... At lunch with my friend, I didn't smile much, nor did she. Neither one of us was laughing, even though usually we end up chuckling hysterically at at least one point. I keep trying to dismiss it as PMS, but I think something really is wrong this time.
There's a friendship of mine that's been kinda rocky for awhile. Or maybe more than kinda... I don't understand what the hell's going on lately, and why things are so strange. I'm still pissed off and kind of hurt from dealing with a major bout of jealousy and suspicion back in December, where my every action was followed and commented apon and lectured on at length. I needed a little time away from IMing since my job consisted of being in electronic contact all day with people, and I just needed a little distance for a bit. I would post for a few minutes at a couple of message boards here and there, but I was criticized for it, and accused of lying about my need for space. And I was having this stuff thrown in my face daily. I was so damned frustrated and angry at being followed around on this one board that my friend claimed he had left because his feelings were hurt by a couple of offhand comments that a couple of people had made. And I was hurt at all the suspicion, when after a year of proof of solid and close friendship, I was
still not trusted. What the hell else could I do to be trustworthy?
I took a little time away from talking to him to try and put stuff back in perspective and maybe kill some of the rage I was feeling at the injustice of it all. There had always been problems of jealousy and possessiveness in this friendship... I always tried to understand because of some problems in his past, but fuck, goddam, there's only so much and so many instances someone can take without blowing up.
They say it's always the people you care about the most who can hurt you the most, and I think that's definitely the case here. Things have been kinda distant, and we fight all the time. I've been accused of not caring for him, when all I've been trying to do is take a little time to get over the anger and the hurt, so that I can talk to him again without
my emotional baggage and maybe have things go back to normal. But instead, I'm "not a good friend." I "don't care." I'm "distant." What I say is "bullshit." My views have no value. My thoughts aren't true because he doesn't think the way I do, hence I'm wrong. I don't agree with his take, but I have never once said, "You're totally wrong in the way you look at life!" But I get that sort of reaction all the time. Who in the hell are you to say what I think when you're not inside my head??? And what fucking right do you have to say I'm wrong when I'm trying to tell you what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling??? Shit.
I keep trying to convince myself that things are repairable. I keep thinking that all that's needed is a little time for me to put away the hurt and the remainder of the anger (most of it is gone, but there's still a bit of it left), so that I can finally take the barbs with a cool collected head, and maybe work the rest of it out rationally, like a civilized human being. After tonight, I'm not so sure what to think. Tonight I was essentially told that my friend liked me better when I wasn't myself, in the days where I was constantly upset, depressed, cynical, and angry, back in the days when I couldn't think through a problem in a rational, clean manner, and resolve it properly.
I've been feeling a lot more myself lately, with the ability to logically analyze problems in the proper manner, to start to resolve some nagging areas in my life, and to maybe begin to find a course to what I want to do with the rest of my life. I've been feeling kind of "up" on myself, feeling confident, and just rather happy with who I am, even though I'm not yet totally where I want to be. I'm proud of myself, and the way that I've handled certain crises in my life. I'm extremely proud of the way I handled that attempted mugging at gunpoint, fighting! Hell, if you can't have a certain amount of confidence after staring death in the face, and refusing to give in, then I'm sorry, I don't think you're human! But to be told that I'm not liked for who I really am is something that really cuts like a rusty knife...
Hell, it's like the good things in me at that time have totally evaporated in his mind. It's like I wouldn't stand up for him and sacrifice like I have in the past, at least in his head. I don't know what to make of it, honestly... Just because I'm not in a depressed spot in my life doesn't mean that I don't care, and that I wouldn't make the same sorts of sacrifices that I have in the past. That's always been a part of my character, and it always will be, regardless of my mindset. If he'd bothered to look, in the last couple of days I've done the same thing for someone else that I'd done in the past for him... It's just my nature. But that's irrelevant, I guess.
I'd like to be valued for who I am, but I'm not sure that will ever happen here... I've been trying to understand, but that effort hasn't really been extended in my direction. I don't know what to do, and am at complete wits end right now. To be told I'm not liked for who I really am is a very low blow, and I'm not sure how in hell I'm supposed to try to keep a friendship when I'm not respected...
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
My head hurts, my heart hurts
Hell, I just hurt **g** Well anyway, somehow, stupid interventionist that I am, I inserted myself into a situation, so I suppose I have to take the hits for my idiocy. If nothing else, the motive was sound-- in fact, I wish that someone had done the same for me when I first opened up the inner sanctums of my former online community to this one backstabber who has become the very bane of my existence. Trying to spare someone else from what I've dealt with (backstabbing after this person dissed one of my friends to me and I had the very
audacity to get mad!), I stepped in and warned her.
Well, suffice to say, others have been backstabbed at sniped at by this lousy piece of shit. Unfortunately, these others haven't exactly been particularly kind to the person I warned, and now there's World War III in place. Dammit-- I'd gotten over the rage of the betrayal, but now it's out in the open again, and I'm kinda stuck in the middle. Serves me right, I suppose, since I did put myself there, but damnation-- there has to be some ration-fucking-ality somewhere, right? The backstabbing shithead, meanwhile, is acting outwardly supportive of this other person, but I know the knife is poised at her back ready to be plunged in at a moment's notice. I'm not comfortable with this one little motherfucking bit.
Oh well. Not my responsibility, or is it?
Fuck I dunno.
